If you want it bad enough you make it happen, If not- you will make an excuse!

Hi people...does anyone even visit here anymore????
Testing testing :)
I apologise in advance for typos, i always think i get them all then BAM i see heaps after i have posted so bear with me and skip over them:) Thanx..xxx
The quote in my title kinda like my life at the moment but excuses are weak and i am trying to turn my thoughts around to can dos instead of cants:)

Anyway im going to babble on as usual.....i have finally been to the doctors about my anxiety and (apparantly a small amount of depression, thrown in for good measure) because im so sick of feeling like shit and the usual crap that goes with it.

I always question how i look, i have a mental dialogue going on in my head all the time about how i look, weightwise, not so much about looks.....whats for tea, how can i cook something interesting, oh lets try a new recipe, nah lets not looks too complicated, oh i have to get all those ingredients, oh they went off before i used them, damn ive wasted more money that we cant afford. Should go to they gym, shouldnt have done that, shoulda, coulda, woulda, i detest that....now ive even been away from the gym and that makes me sad. But im scared too now that my hearing problem symptoms might resurface and i lose the hearing in my other ear,,,vicious circle i SO NEED TO BREAK!!!! I want to be happy healthy and fit againxx

I am really disliking my job at the moment, i am currently on holidays, fancy working somewhere for over 8 years and being reduced to feeling stupid, forgetful, anxious, mistake making because im trying to hard to keep one step in front of everyone else so i dont get into trouble, ive lost my confidence, ive blocked work collegues out, im overlooking the most obvious things because im worried, even coffee making which i loved has been made a chore, i used to love it so much i wanted to do more barista courses so i could make the best coffee there....hmmm sadly not so now, im happy to delegate it to someone else.

I am seeing a councellor and surprisingly after just one visit it seemed to help, i just want some ways to cope with how to get thru the days at work.
Unfortunatley quitting is not an option, there isnt alot of industries here in this area and really only supermarkets, tourism, and fruit packing....not that there is anything wrong with these, i have already worked in most of the industries mentioned.
Im so looking for something else......my idea of a great job would be run a JayJays here in the riverland, a Bookstore..who doesnt love books or a cold rock ice cream store......all of these i think would be viable but i just dont have the money and to be honest the drive to follw them, im tired all the time, lethargic, with a oh its all too hard mentality! All part of the depression im told.
I do have a small idea in my head for an online business but i need the time to follow up on that one first, i think it will work:)
Oh oh im also thinking of a fitness instructor...same excuse, my ear, when i have attacks my balance goes, and i get vertigo and nausea

On to other more happier news, i have to find the joy of things in life again, slowly but surely i am, i know there is beauty to be had all around but when you cant see the forest for the trees it can be pretty difficult.

Now usually i am a Suck it up Priness kinda person because i feel dwelling on something isnt going to make it better. Part of the information i got was i have to reach out to people more. The first step to knowing something was wrong was acknowledging it and doing something about it. I also have to reach out to people more...i am kind of a loner really and it is hard for me to join in with people as i dont do too well in groups of more than 2 or 3...not sure why, i feel i cant fill friendship shoes or some stupid thing...will be nice to get to know myself a little better by talking to someone from the *outside.

So a little run down of things to be thankful for.
A walk with my little puppies...oh they make me smile and laugh out loud. Lexxii is just so cute,,,,i took them for a walk one day and we had commented that Winnie had yet to cock his leg. He is over one now but been desexed so i thought maybe they dont do it if they were desexed?? i dunno:) Anyway this particular walk Lexxii had me bent over in laughter because it was SHE that cocked her leg,,,oh talk about funny! She also stands on her back legs to look for win whenb he disappears because the grass is too long and she looks like a cute little Meerkat!

Leigh is doing quite well, dont want to jinx this.....my little car has been off the road since june, only because it wasnt high on our list of priorities to fix, only the radiator needed replacing and some cosmetic work doing, well im pleased to say that Leigh took my old radiator out and put the new one in the other day. He also fixed my look as it was hanging out the door and now he and Daz are using as kind of a project car:) They brought the paint and are working together to sand the worst bits back and they will respray her for me. The naughty boys also went to the wreckers yesterday and brought a set of mags for it!!!! Hmmm i can think of better ways to spend my money but hey they were excited:)

Leigh went to a fancy dress party last night, they had to go as a movie character, he went as Heath Ledger as Dark Knight...he looked really cool, and as a bargain he wanted a suit to wear, here i am thinking oh great leave it til sat arvo before getting one, after popping down to big w we saw the Peter Morissey suit thast has been advertised on tv about his brand going into Big W dont get me wrong, very swish and great price but Leigh found a jacket for 40 and pants for 20. so for $60 he has a full suit and he can also wear it to my brothers wedding in Mildura this coming Saturday:) Yay A bonus really:)

He is actually having a bit of a tough time with not working at the moment, his anxiety gets in the way sometimes. I have mentioned he go see someone to address this before he seeks another job but he just shuts me down flat. But however this is his choice not mine, and while he says he has to put his car away because he cant afford the rego and fuel, well that is not my cross to bear ans i let it go.

Zoe is beautiful, headstrong and still so loving, i worry about the food she consumes in her bedroom in private, you go in there and there are timtams, m&ms, biscuits, lollies galore, im not happy about it,,,,,what can i do? Any ideas anyone??She wont listen to me and aside from going in pulling all the food out and throwing it away, which we did discuss, im not sure what to do...she is putting on weight as a result of course and i kinda feel like a failure there because they dont eat breakfast unless i cook it (so i do to cook the 3 mornings im home a week) they wont take lunch, so they are either eating crap or nothing at school and then she eats crap after school and finds it hard to eat her vegies...grrrrr....guess i hae to let that go too....ummm something else, she has a boyfriend and they have been going out for over 12 months so now there is the sex thing! Mum i wanna go on the pill for my period...yeah right i wasnt born yesterday LOL....but daz and i have talked about it and im guessing that when i take her back to the drs about her warts im gonna dump on her about the pill while there to the doctor.....she will be so embarrassed but she is hard to tell things too, like a typical Teenager they know it all!....Well i dont quite want to be a granny yet due to her ignorance so i will have to play that one out:)

I have worked out i am kind of a control freak but thankfully in a minor way, darrel calls me anal because i love my house clean...(and i feel awful when it isnt to my liking:() actually he calls me anal about alot of stuff haha.

I have pulled some stuff out of my scrap room and daz is painting it gloss white for me, my craft boom has a treadmill in it, two single bed matresses, after the weekend when my sister has stayed they will go in the camper trailer, a bookcase of dvds and books, a huge desk a chest of plastic drawers and a filing cabinet and smaller bookcase in it. Im wanting to re arrange it and getting it looking lovely and i want to paint one wall China Silk (or sky) its a Haymes Paint in an aquaey colour:) SO that is a big deal for me at the moment along with all the crockery on my kitchen bench my home looks like an op shop at the moment:)

I have taken photos and i shall post them up later,,,, i have to take the girl to work.
There is a whole story atattched to that one too...little bugger, got put off because her heart wasnt in it,,,just to make her think about things....she is hard to read sometimes, not sure if the reasoning went through her head or if she just brushed it off but she is back at work again with a payrise so there is incentive there to pull her finger out and do well if she is interested:)
Im going to post this now as i have to go but will edit it after c u soonxx